Treatment

Some people; scratch that, everyone thinks I should stop while I'm ahead.  By "ahead" I mean that I have a job and I'm not covered in my own fecal matter and sleeping at bus stops.  I'm not poking fun, it's devastating... but I'm not sure why people think I have this potential considering I've been doing this shit for 10 years and haven't gotten to that point yet.  It isn't that I'm not addicted, there is nothing further from the truth, it's just that I really don't want to do drugs anymore so I'm constantly trying and failing to quit, but I think the effort keeps me from allowing my life to get insanely out of control.  Also, absolutely no one in my life knows that I'm a heroin addict so if I were to do something as outlandish as to lose my job and home, I would have some explaining to do and a drug addiction would NOT go over very well with anyone.  

Anyways, I'm trying to quit for the millionth time but the difference this time is that I'm going to a clinic for methadone maintenance.  Eventually I want to get on Suboxone but man, doctors are so booked up for that shit that the waiting list is like four billion years long.  So anyways, methadone is free and easier to get.  It sort of sucks though because you have to go to the clinic every morning for your dose except Sunday, for which you get a take-home dose.    Now I have to get up and leave the house by 7:30 every day in order to get to the clinic and have enough time to get to work by 9am.  I guess if you pass enough drug tests you can earn a take-home dose now and again.  Still, man, I wish I didn't have to go every day.  I guess the justification is that I would do it if it were to meet my drug dealer so I guess I can make the effort to meet my government controlled dealer.  

Veins

I've never had an aversion to needles.  Obviously I don't now, but even as a kid it never bothered me.  That's not to say I'm very good at using them myself.  I would be a terrible phlebotomist.  I just shot up a few seconds ago and it took me about 3 sticks to get it in a vein.  Now my arms have little itchy heroin blisters in all of the places I tried to shoot.  I'm terrible at getting it to stay in the vein because I can't seem to hold it steady long enough.

My veins are fine, I haven't been a big shooter until recently.  I used to just do everything else instead, Oxys, morphine, opium, etc..I had to switch to heroin because it was too expensive to get the same buzz with pharmaceuticals.  I would love to know what gauge other people are using.  I use 1" 25 gauge needles and I think I might try a 27.  The reason I don't know what other people use is because the only other person that knows what I have been up to aside from myself is my dealer, who I met through a man I met when he asked for some change.  He hooked me up with his guy and now I don't have to deal with anyone publicly.  I'm just a junkie by myself.  The thought of a shooting gallery gives me anxiety.

Definition of "functional"

func·tion·al  [fŭngk'shə-nəl]

  -adjective

  1.  a.  of or pertaining to a function.

       b.  of, relating to, or indicating a mathematical function or functions.

  2.  designed for or adapted to a particular function or use: functional architecture.

  3.  capable of performing; operative: a functional set of brakes.

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I'm a junkie.  I'm also a business manager for a major corporation.  I started using junk in various forms when I was a freshman in high school.  I was raised in a normal middle-class family with two parents who cared about grades and college degrees.  I knew if I was going to use drugs, I had to make sure to keep up with school so as not to raise any suspicion.  The years of practice during high school and college didn't go without trouble.  I was caught a few times, I almost failed a few classes, but I came through with a BA from one of the top US colleges.  

Functional things don't go without their need for maintenance.  Sometimes I would get out of hand with my addiction, but then an outside source would seem to notice and intervene before I had the chance to destroy my life entirely.  I don't want this to be misinterpreted as me saying being a junkie is a life worth living or that it's even possible to really live your life with an addiction so strong, I'm saying this because despite my ability to function as an active user for so long, it has gotten more and more difficult to keep my life together as time goes on.  

This brings me to the present...